“The Best of Both Worlds: The Genius of a Little Word Called AND”—Part II

"Or" versus "AND"

Okay…so now that you’ve had a chance to chew on things a little bit, let’s start to ask ourselves how we might be able to have our cake AND eat it, too, in as many areas of our lives that we can.

This is not to say that there won’t be arenas in which such a thing is just not a possibility, because there are—and will be—plenty.  And, while it is important to identify those situations, my desire in this venue is to encourage you to begin to think in terms of this and that as opposed to this or that.  I often wonder if, because of my own impatience, I miss out on the many ways in which I really can "do this and that” and "be like this and that”—all at the same time.  Or, at least, in close proximity of each other.

First, Drop the Dots on the Table, then Try to Connect Them…Later

Before we start to answer any of these things, let me first drop a few (How’bout just two to start with?) of my own scenarios down on the table and give them a good look.  Of course, you’re going to need to do this very thing in your own life, but, perhaps, by my engaging in this little exercise in your virtual presence, you might discover something that might be helpful to you in your own process…

Conundrum 1:  I want love and intimacy in my life, but I’m afraid of losing me in the process.  Sure, I want love, but I want to remain free to be me and to make my own choices in life.  The notion behind this conundrum is this:  I can either live without love and be free or anesthetize the loneliness I feel by losing who I am in a relationship.  Honestly, neither option is palatable to me.

Too many times in my history, I have allowed my love for another to squeeze out who I am as a person.  Has this ever happened to you?  This is a big concern for me.  Yes, I want love in my life—to love and to be loved—but I don’t want to sacrifice me on the altar of that love.  Does that make sense?  So the question for me is, how can I have and experience deep and intimate love and still be free?  BTW….just so you know…I’m not going to even attempt to try to answer these questions, today.  All I hope to accomplish in this moment is to drop a few dots on the table and nothing more than that.  In a previous blog post, I wrote that, sometimes, it’s the questions we ask, as opposed to the answers we get, that are the most illuminating.  So…let’s ask another question, shall we?

Conundrum 2:  I want to live genuinely, but I don’t want to burden others (and, thus, alienate myself) with my honesty.  The notion behind this conundrum is this:  I can either live superficially or burden others with my honesty.  Again, neither option is really an option for me, you know?

Do any of you remember Kevin Nealon’s Mr. Subliminal from Saturday Night Live?  Provided below is my attempt at two Sublimes meeting after church one Sunday…

P 1 (In a Hurry):  “Hey, John…”  (Only being nice.)

P 2 (Also, in a Hurry):  “Hey, friend…how’s it goin’, man?” (Can’t remember your name.)

P 1:  “Fabulous!…Couldn’t be better!  (10 lies…and counting.)  “What’s up with you?”  (Don’t answer that.)

P 2:  “I'm good, man.” (Wife’s leaving me.)

P 1:  “I’m glad…hey, listen, I’ve been praying for you about your work thing and all.”  (11 lies.)

P 2:  “Thanks…God’s been really good to me.”  (Hates my guts.)

P 1:  “Me, too!” (Still single…Can’t stand Him.)

P 2 (Walking Away):  “Hope you have a good week.”  (Done now.)

P 1 (Turning Away):  “You, too.”  (Buuuhhhh-bye…)

Okay…and let's just be honest...who amongst us DOES NOT engage in similar types of conversations on a regular basis?  Perhaps the under currents are not as colorful as that illustrated above, but is it not true that we all engage in this kind of exchange?  Honestly, I think that, for some of us, this may very well comprise the bulk of our social interactions with most of the people we encounter on a daily basis.

My question is this:  How can I begin to really live genuinely with those around me and yet not burden them with the difficulties I’m having in life or injure them with my honesty?  I think that's a fair question to ask of myself, don't you?

So…I now have two questions to really think about.  And they both involve the insertion of an “and” in place of what typically is an “or” for me.  I’m going to sit with these things for a while and pick-up the conversation in a few days, okay?

Have a nice evening, everyone.

Daver