"Abandonment"

The things I write of below are difficult to speak of, let alone, live through.  Unfortunately, all of us have, at some point in our lives, experienced abandonment to one degree or another.  As reluctant as I might feel in this moment to talk about such an extremely difficult and troubling topic, I cannot but do that which I feel compelled to do.  In operating this blog, it has been my commitment from the start to speak to you from my heart and to write from the cutting edge of my own life.  It is my hope that, in the few words I write below, some eyes will be opened to the reality of what one or more of you may be experiencing in this very moment.

To abandon (definition):  to forsake completely; to desert; to leave behind.

Abandonment is multifaceted.

There’s the overt form, which is, characteristically, a habitual leaving, rejecting, starving, or discarding of another.  I would surmise that when most people think or talk about abandonment, it's probably about this form.

Then there’s the covert form, which is, characteristically, a habitual squelching, snuffing out, or robbing of another.  Abusive personalities often engage in covert abandonment through violent behavior (be it, physical, verbal, emotional, or spiritual) and aggressive sexual conquest.  There are non-abusive forms of covert abandonment, such as obsequious "care taking," playing the "whoa-is-me" drama queen (or king!), low-functioning borderline acting-out, and other forms of excessive neediness.

Most of the literature out there on the subject of “abandonment” does not, in my opinion, deal with the FACT that abandonment is not just about leaving another but also about stealing from another.  Take a quarter for instance.  A quarter has two sides…a heads side and a tails side.  It matters not which side you look at…so long as you’re looking at one side, you’re looking at a quarter.  Whether it’s “being left” or “being swallowed whole,” both are abandoning acts.

I also believe that the literature focuses almost exclusively on the notion of how one person abandons or is abandoned by another.  The problem with this is that a whole other arena of abandonment remains unvoiced, namely, one's abandonment of one's own self.   And, again, I am talking about a habitual pattern of such behavior.

All of this, my friends, is very much a spiritual problem, and it must be confronted spiritually.

Some examples of person-to-person abandonment...

Your wife says she never loved you nor even liked you, and, it seems, her actions demonstrated this throughout most (if not all) your marriage.  And yet, for the sake of material comfort or some other reason (for example, societal pressure, guilt, or an overabundance of obligation), she continued to "play the part (sort of)" and stayed married to you.  That is, in my opinion, a “habitual leaving” of you.  She was “always there,” and yet never really was.  Such a thing is extremely hurtful, if not downright cruel.  To live with someone who is completely unavailable emotionally has got to be one of the loneliest places on earth.

Your husband was very sexual with you yet unloving.  That is, in my opinion, a “habitual engulfing” of you.  I just cannot see it as anything other than stealing from you…repeatedly.  Overshadowing who you are (or were) with his own base cravings.  He didn’t love you, yet he pursued that which is the most intensely intimate and personal fruits of love.  Again, such things are absolutely horrible and devastating.  A four letter word that begins with "R" and rhymes with "tape" come to my mind.

Some examples of how one can abandon oneself...

Habitually turning away from discomfort or exiting situations which feel troublesome.  Running to addictions to anesthetize emotional pain or discomfort.  Not standing up for oneself.  Not protecting oneself.  Procrastinating.  Starving oneself.  Withholding from oneself (motivated by a false sense of guilt) that which one needs or really desires in one's heart.  All are examples of rejecting one's sense of self.

Habitually engaging in discursive or abusive self-talk.  Expressing hatred toward oneself.  Binge eating.  Excessive alcohol consumption.  Acting-out sexually.  All are examples of engulfing oneself...overshadowing oneself...stealing from oneself.

Overtly covert; covertly overt...

Even though I’ve separated out engulfment from rejection…the two really can be interchanged in many ways.  Each action above could fall into both camps.  That’s the multifaceted dynamic of abandonment.  I would say that in many instances abandonment looks a lot more like a soccer ball, in that it has many “sides,” with each side being just as much a part of the ball as any other side.  And, in many instances, indistinguishable from any other side with the exception of, perhaps, the color.  Someone can also abandon oneself by putting himself or herself into a situation where another can do the abandoning by proxy.  Sort of like letting someone else do your own dirty work for you (and it is dirty work).  Inside though, in your core, you know.

These are just some of my thoughts on this whole issue.  I do not know if any of this will even be at all helpful, but I feel compelled to share these things with you.

If you are going through any of the above, I recommend that you pursue help immediately.  Talk to a pastor, talk with a therapist, tell a close friend.  These things need to be brought out into the open.  Help is on the way--it always is--but you must reach out and grab it.

God bless all of you--especially, those of you suffering through these things.  My heart goes out to you.

Dave