"In Pursuit of Valentine's Day"

What about your current circumstances do you find difficult or exceedingly painful?

If your answer is, “I don’t know," or "Nothing, I guess,” might I suggest that you check your pulse?  Because you're either asleep or, perhaps, care so little about much of anything that you might—well, maybe I'll just let you complete that one for yourself!  Anyway...to hurt is to feel, to feel is to care, and to care is to live.  The whole of life includes significant difficulty, edginess, and pain.  This cannot be avoided.

I, for one, have quite a number of things in my life, right now, that are difficult to stomach.  Things that make me wretch inside or that just boil my blood.  And some that produce both reactions.

Then there are those things that I so want and long for, but do not yet have—and may never have.  They are the unfulfilled longings of my heart.  We all have them, don’t we?  They are an integral part of living life as a human being.  To be alive is to want, and to want is to ache, and to ache is to die inside, at times, when who we are and what we want don’t seem to connect.  In this, I am speaking more about relationships than anything else because everything else seems to pale so anemically in comparison.

Who hasn’t longed to be with that “special person” in your life?  That ONE who has so captivated your heart and imagination that you can no longer remember when you didn’t feel the way you feel about her or him.  I’ve been in that place many times.  So many times, in fact, that, now, when I pursue that ONE, I go about things with a much greater hands off approach than I did when I was, say, in my twenties.  I may or may not win her heart.  And that is okay.  As painful as it might be, my happiness is NOT contingent on winning her heart, no matter how much I might long to be with her.  Win her or win her not, I will be happy, and my life will work out irrespective of the results of the chase.

It is an absolute given in my life that I will not end up “with” the one I want 100% of the time.  That is reality.  Statistically speaking, I have probably been attracted to close to a hundred girls/women over the course of my life; maybe 50% of them are or were friends of mine at some point; for maybe 30 or 40 of them, I experienced significant feelings; with a few, I spent significant private time; three I dated seriously; and one I married.  The one I married, I was married to for almost 11 years until her death almost 9 years ago.  So, with statistics like that, the ONE that I may want in this moment may not end up being the one that I win or end up “with” in the end.  Again, THAT is reality.

And yet, for the ONE I want "now," I will risk everything in my pursuit of her, for—you know?—she just might become THE ONE!  And how cool would that be?!!  A really cool thing that I'm discovering, too, is that this whole process of courting love—of longing for someone abstractly, of then finally seeing such a one come into physical view, of wanting her, of pursuing her, of spending time with her, of fighting for her, of winning her or not winning her—is all such a very wonderful and unique and life-enhancing dance, don't you think?  I am so grateful to feel what I feel:  the longing to be with someone, the deep desire to give of myself wholly and completely to that person, wondering how she feels or will feel some day, fantasizing about defending her against a dragon and then sweeping her off her feet, experiencing the ecstasy of the connection I feel, and then, twenty minutes later, experiencing the horrifying agony of discovering that she may not have experienced the same feelings I felt.  All of this—ALL of it—is a part of what it means to be human...to be alive and capable of loving, of taking risks, of putting myself out on the line, and then taking, absorbing, and, even, embracing whatever comes of it.

So…you long to be with a particular someone.  I do, too.

You may or may not end up with him or her.  I may not end up with her, either.

But you just might.  I just might, too!

Either way, you will feel something.  And so will I.

Does it feel worth it to you?  It does to me.

Have you been hurt in the past?  I certainly have.

Are you willing to take the risk yet again?  I sure am.

If you’re willing, why don’t we, in some way, do it together?  What do you think?  Are you game?  If so, see my plan, below, and if you wish to do something similar, feel free to jump right in, my friend, for I can be good company in such things.  BTW...I know from personal experience that jumping in and holding nothing back will result in a life well-lived with very little regret...irrespective of—no, despite—the results.

What I’m going to do…

I’m going to love the one I want, whether she loves me back or not…for Love does not consider not being loved in return all that big of a deal.  In fact, Love just loves for the sake of...well, loving the beloved.

I’m going to be me and no one else.

I’m going to make myself available and be there—and I mean BE THERE…fully and completely...to listen, to see, to feel, to touch, and to be touched.

I’m going to open myself up to the possibility of being hurt very deeply.

I’m going to let myself feel whatever I feel, and I’m going to be grateful that I’ve been given this marvelous endowment of being able to feel.

I’m going to embrace all of it:  the ecstasy, the agony—all of it.

I’m going to pursue the one I want with everything that’s within me, and yet I’m going to respect her and her person hood and her wishes and her space and her time and her thoughts and her feelings and her desires and her dreams and her hurts and her family and her friends and her reservations about me to the fullest extent possible.

I'm going to pray for her like I've never prayed for anyone else before, and I'm going to strive to lead her to the Feet of Jesus in everything...even that which might seem trivial.

I'm going to preserve her purity and dignity—at all cost.

And I’m going to place my entire pursuit of the one I want into the Hands of my Father, for He alone knows what’s best for me AND for her.

Someone asked me, recently, “Dave...how will you know if you’re in love with someone?”  My answer was quite simple:  “When everything within me wants so much to be with her and to give of myself to her, but an even greater part of me wants her to experience God’s absolute best for her…even if that takes her away from me—completely and forever.”

So be it in all of this, Father.  I’m just so exquisitely grateful to be alive.  And to feel.

Happy Valentine’s Day, everyone.

Bling

PS  So what happens if I don't win her heart?  Great question.  And here's my answer:  I will be just fine, and, to quote Kathleen Kelley in You've Got Mail, I will continue to hold on to "the dream" of that One who's out there...just waiting for me.  Peace.